News Flash!

Exclusive NIBL interview with

NBA Commissioner David Stern!

Nov 23, 1998

The NBA owner lockout continues into its fifth month with no end in sight. Recently, in "The Palamino Club", a Las Vegas hotspot, an NBA ownership group met with commissioner David Stern, to discuss negotiation strategy. It was in this venue that the NIBL patriarchy was fortunate to contact and ultimately interview David Stern, commissioner of the N... B... A...

We found Commissioner Stern to be surprisingly candid. I hope you enjoy this rare peak at the man behind the power structure of the NBA as much as I enjoyed visiting the Palamino Club.

Dateline - Las Vegas, NV

NIBL: Welcome Commissioner Stern. Thank you for granting this interview.

Stern: Oh, you're welcome. I'm always happy to communicate with the real fans of the NBA, escpecially in these turbulent times.

NIBL: Well, Commissioner Stern...

Stern: Please, you can just call me Dave.

NIBL: Oh, ok... Dave, very good. Thank you.

Stern: I love to be friendly and cooperative.

NIBL: Excellent. Anyway, Dave, let me get right to the point... how do you respond to critics who charge that you and the NBA owners are trying to break the player's union and are the primary cause of the first loss of actual games due to a labor disagreement in the NBA?

Stern: I say fuck 'em.

NIBL: Woah, Dave, take it easy. Um, alright, can you comment on the fact that, under the existing agreement, NBA owners already determine the salaries of top players, and therefore are solely in charge of determining salaries in the first place?

Stern: Yeah sure, fuck that too.

NIBL: Dave, you seem awful combative for someone making $7 million a year.

Stern: Well, fuck you then.

NIBL: Please let's not get into personal attacks, Commissioner. Can you please comment on the most recent AP story regarding your latest demand of the NBA players. Apparently, in your latest counter-offer, you have demanded that the players have your image placed on the dollar bill (see below). Is this correct?

Stern: What part of "fuck you" didn't you understand?

NIBL: Alright, commissioner, my final question... what message would you like to send to all the owners, friends, and crazy, fraky sex-crazed groupies of the NIBL, our little fantasy basketball league.

Stern: Fuck off... I don't really give a rat's ass, now get lost.

NIBL: Well, ahhh, thank you Commissioner David Stern.

Fascinating. I think we really got some insight into the kind of negotiations going on in the NBA today. Next week, don't miss our interview with Chicago Blackhawks owner Bill Wirtz.

Let me do a little NIBL b'ness here:

• Johnny Rai and I will open up the whole magilla after some kind of NBA agreement is announced. You are more than happy to email us ideas and questions about what will happen to the NIBL season, but we're really not going to spend any time on it until we know there's going to be a season. If/when an NBA agreement is announced, I will email everyone and get the whole ball rolling.
• I would, of course, be remiss if I didn't continue to congratulate Denise Raimondo and the Manila DogEaters, 1998 NIBL Champions.
• I may need to call on many of you as character witnesses... if Manila reminds me again that she is still NIBL Champion, I may have to kill her... "justifiable homicide... case dismissed"