Drink more alcohol, study concludes
Minneapolis, Minnesota... Mar 7, 1999
In a stunning reversal of conventional medical thought, researchers at the Mayo Clinic announced today that alcohol is indeed a cure for many common ailments, including stress and depression. In their seven year study of alcohol and its effects, a team of doctors have concluced that the benefits of alcohol, especially for males between the ages of 25 and 54, far outweighed any negatives.
The study, led by acclaimed doctors Heywood and Jablomie, was very forceful in emphasizing their conclusions about alcohol. "I guess we wanted to make as strong a point as possible because of all the negative press that alcohol has received in the past," said Dr. Heywood. "There have been a number of studies on the benefits of one or two glasses of wine, and we have just taken this concept further. We found that one or two glasses of wine just isn't enough. That barely gets most people going."
Coining the term "situational drinking", the doctors gave their strong approval to binge drinking in response to some negative life situation. "Look, you've got two choices," said Doctor Jablomie, "deal with the very difficult problems you have in life or drink more. We found drinking to be much less destructive to the human body."
"For example, we had one 37 year old man who suffered a very surprising and unsuspected loss. Now, the effects of a loss like this could be detrimental to this man's health for weeks. But, when alcohol is introduced to the equation we saw a 89% reduction in stess and 83% reduction in depression. There are real benefits to this kind of therapy," concluded Dr. Jablomie.
Dr. John Rai, head of the American Medical Association, praised the research, "while we will have to confirm these findings with additional research, it's an exciting breaktrough." When asked about the typical health problems associated with alcohol, Dr. Rai shrugged, "it appears, from the study, that binge drinking cures much more than it harms. Take insomnia for example... cured. Or, hypertension... cured. With these kind of health benefits in hand, I'd call liver problems a minor side effect."
"Our goal," said Dr. Heywood, "is to provide people with a mechanism to deal with the shocks and trials that we face every day in life. Simply put, our research has shown what many people in Wisconsin have known for years... drink more, it's good for you. If alcohol were some new discovery, we all would call it a wonder drug."
This research will be release in detail in a Journal of American Medical Association article due out later this month.