Week Ugh

John Raimondo... Mar 30, 1999

Week Ugh…I mean Eight

Who the??? What kind of a??? You can't do that to a??? Oh…sorry. Let me step back from coaching a team of underachieving losers to write some notes for the NIBL. (deep breath)

Unfortunately it looks like we were unable to keep out the influence of the Gambino family. Yes, once again organized crime has infiltrated the ranks of the NIBL. How else do you explain West Chicago and Aruba running away with their respective divisions? We've all met these two guys, and we know it's certainly not talent or brains. A sighting of Tony Gambino at the sports book in Ceasar's Palace doesn't help their case.

Witness: "Mr Gambino…looks like you did pretty well today. What did you do bet on Weber State?"

Gambino: "No, I don't get involved until the Elite 8. This is all NIBL money baby."

Witness: "NIBL money? You know that league isn't real. They just pick a bunch of NBA guys and add the numbers together. The whole thing is just…

Gambino: "Is this money real you f***in little punk? This is much easier than the NBA. I just have to talk to a couple of guys to influence a game instead of the whole team. Do you really think either West Chicago or Aruba would do a damn thing without my influence? Look at West Chicago. A team of punks and losers. I don't know who picked that team but have I had to pull strings to get them to win. All I need is the word from Don Fenton and I'll have his GM taken care of. Iverson, Payton and Kemp? It would be easier to get a winner out of Huey, Dewey and Louie for pete's sake. And Aruba…that guy is not getting to pick his team next year. Look at that starting line up. Two old guys with bad backs, a punk point guard and some guy who reads a book while he shoots free throws. That team couldn't beat a rug with a stick. Bill has got to avoid the drugs before he drafts. "

Witness: "But if it's so much work to make winner's out of these guys why…"

Gambino: "Hey, keep out of my bedroom…I mean personal affairs…I mean…Hey shut your damn little mouth before I gotta have you taken care of."

Witness: "Never mind…sorry I asked. So you must be cleaning up pretty good this year."

Gambino: "Yeah, the only thing that cost me was that damn Shell Evans. She better be looking over her shoulder if you know what I mean. "

Witness: "Anyone you're worried about?"

Gambino: "I don't worry about anyone, they worry about me got it? Joliet came out of nowhere. I might have to calm this guy down a little. As for Baghdad I'll be damned if I'm gonna let some commie lovin' fruitcake foreigner win squat. I'll put a cap in him myself before I let that happen."

Witness: "Well good luck Tony. You really need it."

Gambino: "Why don't you cram it up your ass."

Anything else to report? Not really. With the exception of the big fix, Joliet, Baghdad and Shorewood's drubbing of the two commissioners (you haven't lived until you're niece's grandmother yells "LOSER" across a room of 40 people the second your head appears in the door) everything has pretty much gone as Mr. Gambino has planned. The rest of the league seems to be stuck in a mire or mediocrity where we're all flop back and forth between losing big and winning big. Can we all possibly be this inconsistent? Is there really any doubt that this isn't one big fix? How is my 10th round pick my most consistent player? What the deal? What's the buzz? What's the problem? Where's my mob connections? How come I wasn't appointed one at the draft? "F" Aruba and "F" West Chicago…

p.s. Bill - If you beat me by more than 50 I'm not sure what I'll do, but I guarantee you won't like it!!!