Rip City Press Release
Jan 16, 2001... Rob Triol
(AP) Associated Press
Tickets will officially go on sale this Friday for the much anticipated, Roto Rooter Circle The Drain Bowl, pitting NIBL jugger-nots Burlington Express and the Walla Walla BoredBangers. As they've demonstrated all year, Burlington is yet to keep its Express word. Hell, there stopping at every station to pick up a loss ! Now Boarding !
And speaking of the Board, you can count on an empty house every time you're interchanging Othella's with Lorenzen's, and it ain't Shakespeare. With Ray Allen distracted by movie offers, Grant Hill crying in his Sprite while contemplating an endorsement offer with Chia-Pet (reference to his frenzied follicles) and Vlade playing with his usual chain smoking, European intensity, this promises to be a long, long year.
The Express has heard the boos from the normally placid Coat Factory crowd. With Chris Webber languishing in singular genius, this team has the look of the representative of next year's first lottery pick. Allan Houston gets the least output for his talent, this side of the Cap City Eddie J. Tim Thomas continues to pad his meager rebounding stats by attempting to put back his own bricks. Travis Best is having a breakout year, but will do little else as long as the dinosaur like Ewing continues to clog the paint and sweat a country mile before tipoff. Oh and Shawn Kemp....well looks and reproduces like the pig he is. Damn my Blazer for signing that foul factory.
In other related team news, it is now official that defending chump Diablo has eclipsed the St. Louis Rams in the Gallup Sports Poll asking the question "Who's the biggest disappointment?". But I just know that J.R. Rider is going to catch fire anyday now and you'll put a few games between your once proud franchise, and the residue at the bottom of the conference.
Aruba - no truth to the rumor that the voice in his head is Jason Terry. Who knew he'd be better than Elliot Perry ?
Speaking of surprises, who could have foretold that feared NIBL owner Fenton was not frisked at the door for the crystal ball he brought with him ? Behind an aggressive promotional strategy, The Kornhole continues its amazing league record sellout streak. Free hotdog and PopPorn night was innovative but questionable for last Sunday's crowd. Having Joey Lawrence sing the National Anthem, wearing only a white tanktop was a little puzzling. Make no mistake though. Having Jennifer Love Hewitt as the centerpiece of the Shirts vs. Skins halftime entertainment was an earth shatterer. League officials are investigating the team. It seems that hiring the tandem of Paul O'Neill and Brian Griese as color commentators perhaps violated the Equal Opportunity Employer Act. Denise Klisz could not be reached for comment.
In the wake of the coming suspension of Marcus Camby, RIP City has scoured the waiver wires for an adequate, interim replacement. If anyone has the phone numbers to Uwe Blab, Christian Welp or Rony Seikaly's hairdresser, please give me a call.