West Chicago Wins Second NIBL Crown
May 10, 2001... Young Bill Krieger
in any sporting event, it's not whether you win or lose...
it's how drunk you get."
- Homer Simpson
West Chicago sweeeps title from Napa Valley
With four of its five starters in the first round of the playoffs still in tow for the NIBL Championship round, the West Chicago CleavageBeaters clinched their second NIBL title in three years with a 2-0 sweep over the Napa Valley Tasters.
"I expected it," said Beater owner Don Fenton from the winning West Chicago locker room.
Suddenly jumping up, Mr. Fenton exclaimed, "Hey, bring that tape recorder over here poindexter! I want you to print this up. Tell Mr. Joke-of-a-commish Krieger that this one was for him. Yeah, him and his tiny little Thong loser joke of a team." With a final shake of his fist, the irate Mr. Fenton's loose towel (inscribed "The Burger King" on the front) came undone causing more than one female reporter present to gasp... or giggle, detailed reports are sketchy on this point.
As expected, Napa Valley owner Eric Schoonover was more dignified in loss than his West chicago counterpart was in victory. When asked about the West Chicago sweep, Mr. Schoonover flung himslef to the ground kicking and screaming, "Aaaaahhhhhh!!! No no no no no no no... I wanna win! I wanna win!"
After a moment of reflection, Mr. Schoonover promised an improved Taster team for next year. "Next year, I am going to beat Don Fenton like a little girl... no, no, run him over like an SUV over a squirrel... no no no no... I'm gonna..."
Well, the NIBL Finals are always an emotional time. Let's see if the series stats give us any more insight in the West Chicago victory:
Closer games that I thought, but Ay Carumba!
"What away to go out...
Out like a sucka."
- Rage lyrics from "Housin'"
A Philosophical Bent
Yeah, I've gotten the emails. Your emails. Your voicemails and phone calls.
How can the NIBL continue?
Shouldn't the NIBL close its doors in shame now and forever?
How can we be in the NIBL where Don Fenton sits atop the league once again like so much sour milk in hours-old coffee?
[ deep breath ]
Hey, relax... Don Fenton's bitch-slapping dominance proves one very important point about the NIBL.
The NIBL is not some stupid random exercise or lottery.
If the NIBL were random, then Don Fenton would not have the titles and awesome winning league record that he does. We'd have a different silly-ass winner each year. Get it? That also means:
Don Fenton beating the league like a drum proves that it can be done.
In other words, you could be the next Don Fenton. Smug. Pompous. Hundreds of dollars richer. And a winner.
Get that too? If not, I can give you the standards:
Or, every Cub fan's favorite... "there's always next year." Speaking of next year, I'll see you then.
PS - Go Cub!
PPS - Last Quote for NIBL 2001, right?
"I should start a league and just play against myself"
- Don Fenton