League Meeting Report
Young Bill Krieger (Feb 17, 2003)
"The perception will be that I lost to Tiger,
but I look at it as a stepping-stone to how I can improve"
- Phil Mickelson, tubby white golfer guy after losing
to Tiger again... presumable holding a jumbo bag of Doritos
Nibl League Meetings
The annual Nibl league meetings were held this year in Harvey, IL... as they are each year. Sobriety and cordialness was the order of the day. The big news from the league meetings includes the following:
Playoff format changed
The Nibl, following the lead of "big brother" NBA and even major league baseball (MLB), has decided to change the structure of the league's playoff format... in the middle of the regular season! The Nibl playoffs will now be a best-of-7 format, with the winner actually decided by an exhibition game such as the Pro Bowl or a preseason minor league baseball game or maybe a local softball game. No explanation was given.
Peja/Hido controversy resolved
Addressing a long-standing issue raised by the Aruba Thongs, the Nibl has ruled that Peja Stojakovic and Hido Turkoglu of the Sacramento Kings are "essentially the same player." Since Aruba selected Peja prior to Manila's selection of Turkoglu, Aruba will, for the remainder of the season, receive all nibls tallied by "both" players. The league cited the fact that Peja and Hido are both "weird" first names and "it only makes sense," commented league COO Bill Krieger. The ruling was not made retroactive to Aruba's stunning defeat by Diablo a couple weeks ago, however.
Nibl acquires monkey rights
In exciting news for next year, the Nibl has acquired the copyright and trademark rights to the "Rally Monkey"
from the Anaheim Angels. "We need more primates on the rules committee," explained Nibl CEO John Raimondo. Financial terms of the agreement were not disclosed.
Cap City still a Tool
Capital City's request to change their mascot from the Tools to the "Phil Mickelsons" was denied by the league. The league explained in a press release, "Your guy can't be some guy." Cap City owner, John Raimondo, was not impressed. "First off, Phil Mickelson is a Tool, always has been. And second he's Tiger Wood's bitch, so I don't see the problem. This definitely puts my Slim-Fast sponsorship dough in jeopardy, but I'll petition the league again next year. Maybe the monkey will be a little more reasonable."
Cancun stays put
The league also denied Cancun's request to play a percentage of their games in Puerto Rico next season. The league's press release explained, "If Shakopee or some other hole wanted to do that fine, but not leaving Cancun for a dump like Puerto Rico."
By unanimous vote, the league has decided to cap the nibls scored by the Vegas Vermin in a single week at 300. "If the Vermin score more than 300, then we'll just ignore it," explained league spokesperson Sally Vacuum. Significant problems in the 2003 Nibl draft were cited as the reason for the restriction. "Hey, you figure it out. The guy's got T-Mac, Marbury, Ray Allen, and Bonzi... obviously, something went horribly wrong in this year's draft," said nibl poo-bahs Krieger and Raimondo in a joint statement. Vegas Tommy Dieboldt was reached by phone about the league change and commented, "They did what?"
Ottawa Strippers sold
The rights to the league-owned Nibl franchise, the Ottawa Strippers, were sold for one dollar. The buyer is a holding company, "Always On Vacation, Inc", based in St. Barts in the Caribbean. The holding company is rumored to be a front for Nibl nemesis Don Fenton and his cronies, though this could not be confirmed. "He's trying to take over the league," reported an anonymous source, "or it has something to do with strippers or booze or something. I don't know."
Nibl resolves Iraqi crisis
On the political front, the Nibl issued its official position on the Iraq conflict. "The Naperville Invitational Basketball League, in an effort to resolve global conflict, offers a compromise to satisfy both France/Germany and the United States. We propose that France and Germany sell Iraq additional arms and weapons, fully document these sales to the UN Security Council, and then allow the United States to liberate Iraq. Also, once Iraq is secured, we'd like to cordially invite the Baghdad CrossDressers back into the league. Two more easy W's each year... he he." Ah, diplomacy.
Of course, the Nibl means more than fantasy basketball; it means giving. The league meetings this year raised hundred of dollars for single mothers' charities around the greater Chicagoland area. Most donations were made a dollar at a time or $20 per song.
East meets West, almost a wrapup
Let's see. What's the tally after 56 inter-conference games?
EAST 28, WEST 28
The Vegas Vermin look to run the table and go 8-0 against the West. "I guarantee it. I double guarantee it." Jinx!
PS - Did you see RobTriol at the anti-war protests this weekend? It had to be him... with the sign saying "Make Jason Richardson play consistently, not war."
PPS - My last notes intimated that Aruba and Point Blank were the only
Nibl teams with 3 NBA All-Stars. I received an email from another Nibl
owner with 3 All-Stars on his/her team as well and demanded clarification.
Well, sure enough he was right... there is another Nibl team with 3
All-Stars. That is all.